Friday, January 09, 2009

Blueprint for Change

Found at Young Anabaptist Radicals...

I saw Barack Obama’s blueprint for change and I thought since I’m smarter than him I should have one too. You never know when you might become the next leader of the free world, I gotta be prepared. With that said, it’s a bit of tongue-in-cheek fun since everything has been so grim around here lately. Maybe there is a bit of truth in all of these things, maybe not. So without further adue I present the top “hot button” issues and solve them all single-handedly. Let me know how I did.

In an ideal world only men would fight in wars and only women would declare them.

Illegal Immigration:
People keep crossing the borders for crappy jobs. Meanwhile, we have lots of people on welfare here. I propose allowing one working Latino into the United States in exchange for one person on welfare. This way, our country will be filled with productive people who work while nothing much will change in Mexico.

The whole ‘gay’ thing:
The gays want to get married. Some people seemingly want them to be miserable. Marriage has made plenty of straight people miserable for thousands of years. Am I the only one who sees the “win-win” solution here?

The Economy:
We keep printing money to pay our bills which causes inflation. I say we print enough to make all Americans millionaires, then we can all buy Japanese made cars and large screen TVs. Hopefully no other nation we owe money to will notice fast enough to stop us.

The Bailout:
Our nation wants to give billions of dollars to the private sector to prevent it’s collapse. I don’t know the short or long term consequences of such an action. Yet, the more I think about it, we should just hand these companies over to convicts in federal prison on charges of fraud and stuff. That way we can at least point at our ineptness and brag about how our white collar crooks can out-cheat other nation’s white collar crooks. We kicked their collective ass in olympics, we should make some attempt to get a head-start on overall crookedness as well.

The Schools:
Johnny can’t read, it’s true. But considering I bought my first dimesack in highschool I figure Johnny can probably do math. The country wants drugs, high-schools have hydroponics labs and bored teenagers. I sense a new type of on the job training in our nations schools; which is what our children need.

The war on drugs:
I keep hearing that the drug war has gone nowhere. It locks up criminals who are not dangerous and costs the nation billions of dollars annually. See above.

Lots of people cannot get healthcare. In countries with universal healthcare it costs too much and there are long lines. I propose a new type of universal healthcare by breaking the country into a caste system.
-Group D will receive no healthcare because our country would actually benefit from the deaths of those in Group D. Such people for group D are politicians, lawyers, and telemarketers.
-Group C would receive limited healthcare because they provide no benefits to society but do not cause any harm. Group C would be filled with Circuit City employees, rude McDonalds cashiers, and parking garage attendants.
-Group B would receive good healthcare with a minimum wait because they provide a beneficial service. Machine Operators, Mechanics, and anyone who works for Little Debbie Snack Cakes.
-Group A provides valuable, necessary services to society on the whole and would receive immediate top notch care. People in Group A would be engineers, people who clean public restrooms, and prositutes.
Clearly you can see how this type of system would both freeup healthcare services, cost us very little, and move forward America’s standing in the world on social and economic issues.

Foreign Policy
Foreigners don’t speak english so I don’t see why their problems are our problems. Maybe if they got a grasp on our language I’d actually listen to them. Until then, their problems fall on deaf ears. Tough luck, there, Paco.

Once I was out for a walk and a homeless guy asked me for some cash. I gave him, like, four bucks. After I left my buddy was like “Hey, he’s just gonna spend that on booze.” I guess that’s a good point. Then again, that was what I was gonna use that four bucks for too. Why pass judgement?

There are more issues, I guess. But I only got four, maybe eight years to see them done. I don’t want to, ya know, over burden myself or anything. If you have any solutions or questions please ask away and I’ll respond with snide, arrogant remarks.

From the same author on other occasions...

On Fox's Secret Millionaire:

Our giving must go beyond mere economic status. The gospel is a gospel for rich and poor. It’s about people responding to God in ways that glorify Him. We can help the poor overcome economic disparity while teaching the wealthy that God has resources, has allowed you to use them, and expects a humble spirit when doing so.

The Secret Millionaire isn’t this. Not even a bad photocopy of it. It’s like doing the dishes and telling someone you swam the English channel.

On voting in an uncontested state:

I was beginning to think that voting in any uncontested state was a pointless waste of time. I even got out my car keys and started to walk back to my 2003 Honda Element, which screams “outdoorsey” and “hip” too all who see me in it.

Just as I began walking away, though, I overheard the McCain guy say something important to another would-be voter “Did you know that if you vote today you can show your ‘I voted’ sticker at Starbucks and get a free coffee?”

I bustled my way into Engine House number 13 to cast my vote for the next leader of this great nation, the only person who would benefit from my vote, Mr. Barack Obama. It felt a little dirty.

An hour later I was sipping a delightful meledy of South American beans from a paper cup, my faith in American politics renewed.

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