Sunday, November 13, 2005

Blog takedown...big one

Blog: The word "blog" is literally shorthand for "boring;" a vulgar, overused word that strikes your ear with the dull thud of a cudgel to the soft spot of a child. It's an abbreviation used by journalism drop outs to give legitimacy to their shallow opinions and amateur photography that seems to be permanently stuck in first draft hell. Looking in the archives of the blogs, one would expect someone who has been at it for years to slowly hone their craft and improve their writing and photographs, since it's usually safe to assume that if someone does something long enough, he or she will eventually not suck at it. Even with lowered expectations, you'll get a shotgun blast of disappointment in your face.
It's an unspoken rule that every blog must use the same layout as every other blog: long, slender columns of annoyingly condensed text, thousands of links to other blogs, plugs for shitty political books, and more links to yet more blogs...

Maddox, who modestly calls his site The Best Page in the Universe, has been doing his thing about as long as the internets have been in business. The Archive starts at 1998 and a quick glance indicates that he is not losing any steam as the years go by. In fact he is writing a book and there are a couple of fan sites.

I have missed Rachel Lucas. This site will be a suitable replacement for her in my somewhat eclectic reading diet. I think it is important to have a standard of extreme excellence in ranting and harsh commentary in order to keep the rest of the world in proper perspective. That's why I listen to talk radio and read politically conservative websites. If Ambrose Bierce were writing today, I imagine his output might look something like Maddox.

Fragile Reader Advisory: Profanity, Insensitivity, Insults and Occasional Rough Graphics abound at this site. In the same way that you go to the park to walk the dog, enjoy sunshine and pleasant breezes or watch children can go here to work out your frustrations.

If you are an ordinary person who goes to a gym you will see examples of other human beings who look like Grecian statues. They make you want never to go near a mirror again. This site is like that. It lets you know that no matter how frustrated you thought you were, there is a person out there whose frustrations and talent for describing them is just under the gift of Thomas Jefferson who created Monticello in an otherwise savage American Frontier.

Today's link is directed at blogs and blogging everywhere. I feel embarrassed that it has been out there since July and I am just finding it. He has something smart-assed to say about Bloggers, Blogged, Blogosphere, Blogomania, Blogroll, Blogshare, Blogstorm, Blog Swarm, Blogging community, Blawg, Blogumentary, Blogebrity...and the list goes on.

Here's a couple of samples:

Photoblog: Photoblogs make me yearn for the day when cameras weren't digital, film cost money, and it took time to develop pictures. I remember back when it wasn't easy for any random asshole with a camera to go out take countless pictures of nothing. Nothing is exactly what these pictures are of. No focus, no theme, no message, no posturing. Just countless pictures of Denny's at 2 AM. We don't care that you went to Denny's. You're not an artist. You're not deep. Get a new hobby.

Warblog: A blog that primarily deals with war. Filled with whiny blow hards who are fixated on their stubborn ideas and conspiracy theories. For example, there are countless hours pissed away by conspiracy theorists who think the WTC towers were demolished by bombs planted by the government. These armchair engineers write endlessly about how the physics of the collapse was impossible, how the temperature wasn't hot enough to melt steel, and how the planes were carrying missiles. Of course, the one thing they don't postulate is a REASON. My personal favorite warblog was one that had a flash animation with people who were quoted as saying "it didn't sound like a plane to me... it sounded like a missile." Thank you Joe Nobody for giving me your expert opinion on what missile sounds like, because gas station superintendents are usually the best people to ask about the sonic signature of ballistic missile thrust.

This one I especially liked:

Liberal media: Whiny, bitching, cry-baby conservatives love to prattle on and on about the "liberal media." To be fair, except for FOX News (Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, John Gibson, Neil Cavuto, Steve Doocy, E.D. Hill, Brian Kilmeade, Brit Hume), Clear Channel, Laura Ingraham, Dr. Laura, Rush Limbaugh, Hugh Hewitt, Ann Coulter, Newsmax, G. Gordon Liddy, Michael Reagan, Michael Savage, The New York Post, Sinclair Broadcast Group (WLOS13, Fox 45, WTTO21, WB49, KGAN, WICD, WICS, WCHS, WVAH, WTAT, WSTR, WSYX, WTTE, WKEF, WRGT, KDSM,WSMH, WXLV, WURN, KVWB, KFBT, WDKY, WMSN, WVTV, WEAR, WZTV, KOTH, WYZZ, WPGH, WGME, WLFL, WRLH, WUHF, KABB, WGGB, WSYT, WTTA), David Horowitz, Rupert Murdoch, PAX, and MSNBC's Joe Scarborough, they're right.

I see WGBH in Boston and Minnesota Public Radio didn't make the list. It reminded me of a similar piece I came across a few months ago. (He probably doesn't want to get credit for it, but hat tip to Josh Claybourn for the link.)

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